Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Goodbye To You

I sang Happy Birthday yesterday, like I had been singing for him every year, hoping he would hear me, no matter where he was.....I guess he must have heard me..... He was born on January 16, 1955 to the most wonderful parents you could ask for. He made his own path in life, not necessarily the path I would have chosen, nor did I approve of, but his own path, non the less. He never married, nor fathered any children. He lived his life his way, on his own terms. He had the most beautiful smile and perfect teeth to go with it :) The last time I saw him was in 1990, before I went into the Navy. He showed up at mom and dads just out of the blue...looking rough and smelling like and ashtray, so I told him to get a shower and I would cut his hair and wash his clothes. We had a great day together and he even spent the night. The next day he got in his old pick up truck, and I gave him $20, it was all I had on me, so he could get gas to head back to Atlanta. I remember that day so clearly. I wish then, that I had known it was the last time I would see him. Years passed by, and we all went about our own lives and never heard anything from him. He had been by mom and dads and left a note a year or two after that day in 1990. It was not unusual for long periods of no communication with him, he just did his own thing, you know. He had been in and out of jail for one thing or the other, drugs, or solicitation at a Democratic Convention once. WHAT was that all about :( He was often referred to as EJ growing up, because he looked just like Elton John. Mom and I went to the Social Security office years ago, after daddy had died, to see if he had any work history of late, so we could at least know if he was alive or dead or in jail. The last information that they could let us know about was he had worked in Texas for a temp agency, and no other information. Well, at least we knew he was still alive. We all searched, sisters, brothers, nieces, we all have been searching for him, and figured he just didn't want to be found. I had even suspected he was in a witness protection program. What else could I think....who does that to their family, who just disappears like that? Well, I can say now with a very heavy heart that this man, my brother, Dwight Duanne Arnette, whose 58th birthday was yesterday, has been found. He died in the fall of 2009 of a cocaine related heart attack. He was identified by his fingerprints, and buried somewhere in Atlanta, GA. One of my nieces found a new website that enabled her to discover this information, and her mom, one of my sisters, received a photo from the coroner that she had to confirm was our brother. Today, while waiting to see my physical therapist, I got the call to let me know that our brother, Dwight, had been found...and that he had died of a heart attack from the overuse of cocaine, in a garage the he frequented and hung out at, and maybe was doing some work at. At first, I thought, well, now at least we have closure and no longer need to worry if he is okay or not. Then like a ton of bricks hitting me in the heart, the tears came pouring out, and the sobs took over me...I fell apart right there in the waiting room....I was still on the phone with my sister, trying to hold myself together, and failing miserably. I wondered how my mom was feeling, just getting confirmation of what we had all feared for years. I did not expect it to hit me so hard....after all, it had been since 1990 that we last saw him or heard from him. Today has been a very sad day. This was not how I felt when I woke this morning from a beautiful dream...I awoke from a dream of being with my dad and getting one of the best hugs I had ever gotten from him. We were under some type awning, and there was a very large man beside him in a bright beam of light that only let me see the feet and legs of this body beside him. I felt warm, and happy and safe, and then I realized it was God that was there beside my daddy, and I felt nothing but pure joy and happiness. When I woke up, I was so thankful to have had that time with my dad and I thanked God for giving me that special time in my dream to be with my daddy. Little did I realize, until this afternoon, that I needed that hug so badly. It gives me the greatest joy and comfort to know that my brother is now with daddy and I don't have to worry that he is hurt or suffering somewhere alone. I have missed him all these years, and will continue to miss them both, but at least now I know that he is safe with daddy and his Father. This is my therapy, to get it out and to begin the healing process and to give me a chance to grieve. My name is Eloise Yvonne, and Dwight Duanne was one of my big brothers. I love him now and always. Rest in peace Dwight, and know that we never gave up on you. <3